baby, if i've got you, i don't need a parachute.

So it's been forever and a year since my last blog update. A lot has changed.

So much, that in fact, I don't know where to begin.

I am no longer a student at Radford University. I no longer live in VA even, now I live in Connecticut with my dad. Definitely an interesting change of pace, seeing as how I've never lived with him before. I haven't communicated with my mom in a while and it's kind of hard; I've never not had her in my life. Now, she's out of it, and my dad is in it. Complete turnaround from everything I've ever known before.

Living in CT has been tough, but it could always be worse. I lived here for two months before finally finding employment at a warehouse/factory by the name of Automated Services that my father works for. Yes, my father, once a big shot stock broker on Wall Street in NYC, now is a truck driver for a vending machine and pinball company. Hooray, pinballs.com

Anyways, through him I got a job there working in the stock room. I worked there alone, as in, I had no co-workers, for about a month before getting laid off because "I wasn't the right fit for the job." Yeah, no kidding. At least I will never have to load boxes of Doritos onto trucks again. Wait, anything is possible. I take that back.

I managed to make almost $1,000 there, though I blew it all on one weekend going to visit Radford for my birthday. Super!

Now I'm literally no steps closer to anything since I got here. Still, no help. Partially my fault.

I had been in interviews for a Red Robin that is having its' grand opening here in Milford at the beginning of November, but due to a woman at the corporate offices screwing up the phone number she left me in her voice mail, I never got to complete my interviews and now I don't have that job. It gets better!

Today I go into the movie theater for what I am assuming is my first day of work. I applied there literally within the first week of being in CT, so getting the call from them months later was a shock. A pleasant, surprise shock. I guess. At least I'll have some type of job, even if it is part-time.

I just really need a full-time job so I can get benefits and have the "luxury" of going to the several doctor's appointments that I need to be going to, that I've missed because of being an "independent," now 20 year old, with no money. Hey, remember I have that metal pole going through my chest? Well, my one year post-op appointment was about two months ago. Didn't get to go to that. Thanks, Mom!

I realize that this is an angry, angsty blog post, but I need this right now. And nobody will be reading this anyways except for the people that already know everything I've stated thus far.

Onward!

So living in CT sucks. Yeah! Honestly, just certain situations suck. If this family and house was picked up and placed in Richmond, VA, everything would be perfect. But nothing is perfect. I really like living with this family situation, because for the first time in my life I feel like I have a family. We all talk, we cook dinner together, we eat together, we hang out together, and I really love them. They have plenty of faults, yes, but they are so much lighter than the heavy burden of SHIT that was my living situation in Richmond. I am not confined to my room at all hours of the day because I am afraid of walking around in my own house. I miss my mom, but good LORD am I happy that I don't have to see certain things and people everyday. That being said, the true negative thing about CT is being over 9 hours away from all of my friends, who up until now my entire life, have been the only family I've had. Thanks, Mom!

So today I go into the movie theater. In about 30 minutes, actually. I really hope that it's fun. I really hope that I can make friends there, because I know the second I have even ONE friend here in Connecticut-yourself, things will be so much better.

Sigh. I'm so frustrated with just about everything in my life right now and for the past several months, even when I was not in CT, things have sucked and I'm losing sight of everything I can be in the future, because now I just don't see how anything can happen. I'm really down. I haven't slept in my HOME in Richmond since December, and I really miss everything about it. Everyone around me keeps getting great opportunities and great things keep happening to them, and here I am stuck in CT with nothing happening to me except misfortune on a daily basis. I have so many things that I want to be doing and so much talent, I believe, and nowhere to let it loose.


VENT VENT VENT VENT ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER FRUSTRATION FRUSTRATION FRUSTRATION

i'm an alien from outer space

Currently loving the shit out of Janelle Monáe, Boyz II Men, Black Eyed Peas, and Lauryn Hill.

Uh, I felt I should update because I haven't in a while. But I don't really have anything new to say. I am finally going to finish the shit that I have put myself in by getting a speeding ticket this week. I do 8 hours of service at Goodwill on Thursday, and then on Saturday I have an 8 hour "driving improvement" class. Hoorah. But then finally it will all be over and it will be as if I never got the ticket. I hope it's worth it, because it would've been less expensive to just pay the speeding ticket fine. But then it would remain on my record and my insurance would go up. Not that I have a car, anyways. Super.

I'M REALLY BORED.

Katie saw Beyonce tonight and texted me through the whole thing, making me really jealous. She cried during "Ave Maria."

I should shower, but I'm really tired and don't want to leave my bed.

I have nothing important to say.

baby don't pretend you don't know it's true

I really love Michael Bublé. Like, a lot a lot. Everything about him just exudes coolness.

And Mariah Carey. Damn, she fierce. Much more than Beyoncé, I would say.

I've recently been watching the channel Palladia, which I just discovered I have, which is a music, but mainly concert showing channel. The Adventures of Mimi Tour and the Come Fly With Me Tour were just recently on. So, therefore my newfound appreciation. But, I had already seen Bublé's concerts, just not Mariah's. Oh, and this weekend an Amy Winehouse Live in London concert comes on. I'm reeeeally looking forward to that.

Alright, enough of that.

Uh, let's see what I have to say today. Deejay and Erin finally saw Smiley Face and recognized it's effervescent beauty. Maybe now they will understand the picture at the top of my blog. Haha. I love Anna Faris so much. Everything she touches is gold. How funny to think that she was trained, and up until her feature film debut in Scary Movie, only had appeared in dramatic roles. Who would've thought that she'd become one of the greatest comedienne's of today.

(I at least would give her that title)

I also fucking love the shit out of Jane Lynch.

So I've been working every single day, with the exception of last Sunday, and the past two days due to rain, since the pool has opened. I'm happy because it gets me out of the house and away from my family, and I'll get money, but frustrated at the same time because the entire paycheck is going to have to go to bills. Hello, real world. Not nice to meet you.

My surgery date is now visible on my calendar. I'm so excited. I really want to get it done right now, if only just to begin the healing process. I'm super excited with the way everything's going for me right now. The one thing I am NOT excited for, and even fearing, about the surgery, is the urinary catheter. I am not scared or nervous from the pain and discomfort of the actual procedure, I can handle any pain thrown at me, really, ever since being paralyzed by the doctors "accidentally," but the catheter just sounds like a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THING. I don't even want to look at it when it's in.

AHHH I JUST MADE THE MISTAKE OF LOOKING AT IT ON GOOGLE.

Ok, back to calming myself through Mr. Bublé and Mariah.

But yeah. I know I may seem to talk about the surgery a lot on this, nearly every post, if not every one, but this is a HUGE deal, to me at least. Having a caved in sternum/chest and looking this way is the only thing I have EVER known. And next month, after two hours on an operating table, it will never look that way again. I will look "normal." It just makes me feel so many different things. Not all good, naturally, but I know it will be for the best and is what is in my best interest. I just feel like I'm going to be losing a big part of me.

If I haven't said how it is done before, here is the short story version. I will be cut open under arms, like lateral with my nipples (tee hee) and will have a curved titanium rod shoved through me one side and out the other. It will then be flipped over, popping the "dent" out of place, and then they will sow me up with the bar inside of me. Basically, like an extra rib.

I wonder if I'll be able to stick, like, magnets to my chest or something. That'd be really cool. In a dramatic sense, I feel like I'm going to have nothing once this is fixed. Meh.

I kind of dislike that Mariah decided to go all "black" with her music in her most recent albums, The Emancipation of Mimi and E=MC2...doesn't she know power ballads are what she is incredible at, and not rap? Old Mariah is definitely the better Mariah. Although, "We Belong Together" and "Bye Bye" are good songs of hers that are new.

I used the word "pompous" today for the very first time in my speech/writing. Weird to recognize, but I really have never used that word. I even misspelled it upon writing it for the first time. Pompass. That's actually why it's been on my mind all day. The fact that I misspelled it. How OCD is that? I am such a grammar/spelling Nazi, I NEVER make mistakes like that, when I am actually trying to write.

I miss Radford. I miss Matt and Deejay and Erin. I miss going to space every night with Mattie. BUT, we'll be living together in two short months, which will take forever of course, and all will be just swell.

I am going to Cape Hatteras in the OBX this year again with the Wrights and I am really excited. It will be the second time of the two times that I've gone to the beach with them that I have had surgery immediately before. Last year, Julie, Sean's girlfriend, and I got our wisdom teeth out the day before we left for the beach. It was... fun. But really, it was. I don't remember the first half of the week because I was on so many drugs. There are pictures...which are hilarious, needless to say.



The above picture was not posed for. And I don't remember it being taken. I don't know why the HELL there is a pirate behind me. Notice my super swollen cheeks.

But THIS YEAR, I am having a much more serious surgery, which means much heavier drugs, which means more fun at the beach. Is there a better place to recover? Plus, Sean and I will be silly the entire time, I'm sure. Yay!

The end.

our souls are all we own, before we turn to stone

So apparently my consultation date for the Nuss procedure is June 9th, with the surgery taking place on July 13th. This means that I have until July 13th to accomplish anything I want to do this summer, because I will most likely be immobile or sickly for the remainder of it. BUT, hopefully after 3-4 weeks I'll feel relatively normal again, and still have a few weeks of August left. Maybe.

With all the time I spend sitting around at home, even though I am working now, I get to thinking. Mostly about really abstract, random things that don't really matter or aren't worth thinking about, but they have definitely got me stirring. For example, why did I choose to go to Radford? Not that I dislike it in any way, I LOVE it, but that's what I mean by odd things to think about. I want to do something musical and/or theatrical in my future, and I think I should have applied to more schools. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I auditioned for some schools, because I know I would've gotten in at least SOMEWHERE, and I would like to know where. With Radford not requiring you to audition for it's theatre program, you get the people who don't really know what they're doing/aren't good at it mixed with the people who are hardcore. Once again, I'm not knocking Raddy, because I'm there now and I'm staying there, but I wish that I could say I go to a school that I had to audition for. Does that make me conceited? I went into Radford thinking I was going to be in intense dance, acting, and voice classes to better my craft, and none of that has happened. In retrospect, I think Shenandoah with Nadia is where I would've gotten exactly what I wanted, only because it's a conservatory. That doesn't mean I want to go there. I wonder if I'm making sense.

Blah.

I just miss being able to show off what I DO. I am at Radford for one reason only, and that's theatre, and so far nothing has happened. I always complain about this. I hope I don't sound like a whiny girl who isn't getting cast or something. Because that's not what I'm trying to come across as. Haha...

Speaking of which, I didn't even get to audition for Godspell. I realized that I wouldn't be able to do it because I'm getting surgery. Duh. My own fault for getting my hopes up.

The stress of going back to Radford this fall is starting to settle in. What I HAVE to do is get myself off of academic probation, which I will have to receive only A's and B's in order to do, which shouldn't be hard, but then again I don't remember the last time I got only A's and B's. If I don't do this, I won't even have the possibility of being cast in the musical.

What I "have" to do, meaning I don't actually have to do this at all, but I told everyone I would, is re-pledge APO. I just hope I can do that and get good grades at the same time. Also, I am making sure that I don't take any classes that require me to do outside hours, such as lighting or sound or like a health class or something. Because that failed miserably last semester, a.k.a. I didn't do a single hour for any class all semester, and I want to keep my focus on my grades and APO.

I really miss Radford. So much. It's not even Radford specifically, but just the way I feel when I'm there. To state in a dramatic, yet truthful, way, when I am at Radford I am free. I can have fun and do whatever I want and be whatever I want and just be successful. I return home and it's as if I am going to prison.

I really hope that I don't sound like a whiny, emo bitch. Hah.

I miss fun times with Matt and Annie and Deejay and Sam and other Sam and Bussy and Kim. I really do. It's hard to go from seeing these people every single day and being so close to them, in a geographical sense, to not seeing any of them at all.

So tonight I will watch So You Think You Can Dance, as usual for every summer, and then tomorrow I don't work. So, Britt and I are planning on going on an adventure of sorts, buying our Spring Awakening tickets soon, and then Saturday I get to work 10 hours for some senator's daughter's wedding. Money, money, money, monaaaay.

if this bottle could talk, love on the rocks

Today was my first day of work... and it was so much fun. I was on my feet and doing heavy labor for eight hours and I was loving every minute of it. I am so glad to be working again. Having something to do and making money makes me feel better about myself. It was slightly awkward, though- I was just told to show up in a long-sleeved, white collared shirt, black slacks, and dress shoes, and that my tie and apron would be provided. I wasn't told what I was doing at all. So when I got there, it was fun to play the "figure out what is going on and what you need to do" game.

(That's a game I invented today)

Tomorrow and Monday I work at the pool, and I'm excited. It'll be fun to work with Laur and have a change of scenery from being a waiter (or whatever you would call what I do) and be outside and hang out with those people. Sarah is a lifeguard this summer, so that'll be cool. Her and I caught up today. She's funny.

Ok, now for a completely different note.

I seriously cannot stand Scott. Today I lowered his precious thermostat TWO degrees from 77 to 75, because the actual temperature was 85, just to get the air circulating, and to match the one set downstairs. Then, Scott comes home for lunch, something he hasn't done the entire time I've been home from Radford, and notices the change in the thermostat. Of course he completely freaks out and starts banging on my bathroom door while I'm in the shower and starts yelling. I have no idea what he's saying because I can't hear him. I turn off the water, still can't hear him. I turn off the fan, then I can finally hear him. He's really pissed now. He starts yelling about ridiculous shit like "If you're not going to work with me, I'm not going to work with you. You can't drive my truck anymore. I'll give you a ride to work or you can walk." Now, it is 12:30. Work starts at 2:30. So, I tell him I'll walk, because I don't want to be there two hours early, AND why would I ever want to be in a car alone with that man. Then I call Molly and ask her to give me a ride to work at 2:30 because my step-dad's a dick, and she says yes. So I leave an angry message on my mom's cell phone saying stuff like "I loathe him with my entire being, and I mean that" and "everything he does is so stupid and ridiculous and serves no other purpose than to cause friction between the two of us." Of course, I told her and everyone that I DID walk to work, for dramatic effect. Oh, btw, work is not walking distance. At all. And I was in formal attire.

UGH.

This may seem really petty and stupid to anyone who may read this, but you have to understand, it's little things like this that happen everyday that have built up my loathing for him over time. And of course, there are more, worse, important things that happen to make me loathe him. Not just these daily headaches. I really just can't stand being in the same room as him and I definitely can't look him in the face. UGHHHH.

Frustrations.

It's times like these where I wish my real dad wasn't such a fuck up and could be there for me.

look what you do, oh ruby blue

It's Tuesday and the finale of American Idol comes on tonight, followed by the preview Pilot episode of Glee. Excited!

So this Thursday or Friday I'll be heading up to Williamsburg with Annie again and this time we'll catch some rays, if weather permits. That's really all I like to do in the summer: swim and be out in the sun. I'm simple and easy to please.

This Friday is my audition.

This weekend I start working at TDC and it's about damn time. I've been wanting to start working since the moment I came home, which I don't even remember when that was... it was so long ago. I'm really tired of following the same routine that I currently do, day after day. It get's really tiring and incredibly boring.

I'm really excited to work there again, though. Yes, the job is awful and we have to be outside in extreme temperatures in horrible uniforms, (which look like Little League uniforms this year...great) but at least I'll be working with friends. Laura and I keep talking about how excited we are only because we're the few returning staff. I'll miss Joe, though. Every time we'd work together nobody would call either of us by our names, because, according to them, they couldn't tell us apart. Haha... it's weird knowing someone who others think looks exactly like you. Of course, I don't think we look anything alike. This year Katie (not Matthews, sad) is also working there so that should be good. Every one else just looks like plastic Barbie bitches that I'm going to eat alive. But not really. Oh, and I'm the only person working there, aside from one other newcomer, who is not in high school. Suuuper.

I'm really bored and thought I would just write a blog entry of pointless stuff that was going through my mind currently, so there it is.

forgive me first love, but i'm too tired

This past week, or few weeks for that matter, have been really interesting. I've been in and out of the hospital almost every single day getting tests done for the surgery this summer, which is really exhausting. To be honest, at this point, I don't know if this summer is the right summer to get the procedure done. I have to work so much because I have no money, and now a townhouse to pay for, on top of college and all of life's other expenses. All of which has to be done by the end of the summer. It's just really overwhelming.

Townhouse!! Words really cannot describe how much this means to me. Living off-campus really is going to make the biggest, most influential difference in my career at Radford. Dramatic, yes. True, also yes. I want to move in right now.

I think I'm going to audition for Godspell next Friday. It's being put on by Barksdale and Stage 1 this time, as opposed to The Steward School. It's still the "high school all-stars" thing, but now it's open to recent high school graduates, as well. Which means me. I'll be singing "It Takes Two" from Hairspray for the millionth time. All of which I won't be able to do if I have the surgery this summer. It's seriously weird to think that a year ago, at this time, I was in high school. Actually, I was going to prom on this day. With Kristen Barney.

I'm really ready for the summer to be over. Maybe that's just because it hasn't really "started" yet, in the sense that I haven't done any summer things yet (pool, beach, etc.), but I've been home for too long. I'm really ready to get back to school and put myself back together again. I know I can do it, and now I'm just eager TO do it. I have a completely different mentality and maturity than I did at this time last year, and I just, for lack of better words, want to put it to good use. I'm ready to go to school and do work. I used to be the best at everything I did, and now I'm not. So, I'm really ready to get back to my "old self." I need to finish what I started with pledging APO, and then get myself off of academic probation so I can have the hope of being cast in a show. That's an entirely different, angry, ranting story, though.

I smoked two days ago for the first time in a long time with Annie, and I really wish I didn't. I didn't need to, but I did it. I got way too stoned and just really exhausted from it, and I really just didn't like it at all like I used to. I got way too involved in self-medicating with drugs and alcohol in my freshman year, mainly because I had never done any of it and wanted to, but now that I've been "sober" from it for a few months, I really just am so much happier. I'm able to achieve the kind of happiness now that I could only achieve during my freshman year with the help of, like I said, drugs and alcohol. Inevitably, these will come back into my life upon my return to Radford, but I will definitely be a lot more responsible than I have been. It's hard to believe that I was stoned every single day, multiple times a day, for the vast majority of my second semester. I don't know how I didn't see it, but that's clearly what led to my downfall.

So now that leaves me sitting in my office, at my laptop, listening to Adele on a shitty day in Glen Allen. I can't say I have any complaints, though, because I am feeling the best I have felt in a while. Things are really going for me again, and I'm happy.