forgive me first love, but i'm too tired

This past week, or few weeks for that matter, have been really interesting. I've been in and out of the hospital almost every single day getting tests done for the surgery this summer, which is really exhausting. To be honest, at this point, I don't know if this summer is the right summer to get the procedure done. I have to work so much because I have no money, and now a townhouse to pay for, on top of college and all of life's other expenses. All of which has to be done by the end of the summer. It's just really overwhelming.

Townhouse!! Words really cannot describe how much this means to me. Living off-campus really is going to make the biggest, most influential difference in my career at Radford. Dramatic, yes. True, also yes. I want to move in right now.

I think I'm going to audition for Godspell next Friday. It's being put on by Barksdale and Stage 1 this time, as opposed to The Steward School. It's still the "high school all-stars" thing, but now it's open to recent high school graduates, as well. Which means me. I'll be singing "It Takes Two" from Hairspray for the millionth time. All of which I won't be able to do if I have the surgery this summer. It's seriously weird to think that a year ago, at this time, I was in high school. Actually, I was going to prom on this day. With Kristen Barney.

I'm really ready for the summer to be over. Maybe that's just because it hasn't really "started" yet, in the sense that I haven't done any summer things yet (pool, beach, etc.), but I've been home for too long. I'm really ready to get back to school and put myself back together again. I know I can do it, and now I'm just eager TO do it. I have a completely different mentality and maturity than I did at this time last year, and I just, for lack of better words, want to put it to good use. I'm ready to go to school and do work. I used to be the best at everything I did, and now I'm not. So, I'm really ready to get back to my "old self." I need to finish what I started with pledging APO, and then get myself off of academic probation so I can have the hope of being cast in a show. That's an entirely different, angry, ranting story, though.

I smoked two days ago for the first time in a long time with Annie, and I really wish I didn't. I didn't need to, but I did it. I got way too stoned and just really exhausted from it, and I really just didn't like it at all like I used to. I got way too involved in self-medicating with drugs and alcohol in my freshman year, mainly because I had never done any of it and wanted to, but now that I've been "sober" from it for a few months, I really just am so much happier. I'm able to achieve the kind of happiness now that I could only achieve during my freshman year with the help of, like I said, drugs and alcohol. Inevitably, these will come back into my life upon my return to Radford, but I will definitely be a lot more responsible than I have been. It's hard to believe that I was stoned every single day, multiple times a day, for the vast majority of my second semester. I don't know how I didn't see it, but that's clearly what led to my downfall.

So now that leaves me sitting in my office, at my laptop, listening to Adele on a shitty day in Glen Allen. I can't say I have any complaints, though, because I am feeling the best I have felt in a while. Things are really going for me again, and I'm happy.